Family or Career? How to Make the Best Decision. 

A lot of people feel like they need to choose between family or career. For instance, a while ago I talked to a client, let’s call her Mindy, who was very clear that she wanted to start a family. However, Mindy had just started taking the first steps towards her own business.

And, at her day job, she had recently received a promotion. Mindy feared that her career and her plans for her own business would suffer if she chose to have a child.

Mindy didn’t really know whether to pick family or career.

How do you choose if you want two things — and both seem irreconcilable?

Well, let me tell you about a situation one of my relatives found herself in: together with a handful of other students, she faced the most important test of her life.

This wasn’t just a test, it was a grueling, multiple-hour long oral examination in front of an evaluation panel. By that, I mean that it was a bit less nerve-racking than having to participate in gladiator games in Ancient Rome.

As the best student in the group, my relative was well-respected by the examiners.

That is until one of the examiners picked on one of the weaker students during the exam.

Now, the thing to know about my relative is that she can’t stand people abusing power. In this situation, she felt a lot of compassion for this other student who was clearly affected by the examiner’s mean comment.

However, standing up for her fellow student during such an important exam was risky, to say the least.

In this dilemma, my relative decided to stand up to the examiner. Before I tell you what happened next, let’s explore what went into her decision.

Both my relative and my client found themselves in a dilemma where they wanted two seemingly irreconcilable things.

My relative wanted to protect her fellow student, and to also stay on good terms with the examiner. My client wanted to have a child while also progressing in her career and business endeavors.

In both cases, a simple principle applies:

Awareness of the hierarchy of one’s personal life goals or values makes decision-making easier. —  Click to Tweet

Or, to put it in plain English:

If you know what’s more important to you, it’s easier to decide. (Hmm, this sounds slightly circular, doesn’t it?)

In my relative’s case, she knew that dignity/fairness was more important to her than achievement/safety, so she was willing to risk the latter for the former.

Similarly, if you want seemingly opposing things, you need to be willing to risk your less important goal for your more important one.

So, here’s what happened after my relative stood up to the examiner: while he stopped picking on the other student, he now proceeded to turn on my relative instead.

He started asking her one highly specialized questions after the other that, as a student, she simply couldn’t know the answer to.

While all this was happening, members of the audience thought that my relative had blown her exam. 😨

Now, here’s the thing:

The reason you should risk your less important goal for your more important one is because you don’t want to gamble with what matters most to you. —  Click to Tweet

It can be really hard to not meet the less important goal but, in seemingly irreconcilable situation, it still beats the alternative of losing out on what you care more about.

That said, there’s still more to the story.

It turns out that my relative hadn’t blow her exam.

The examiner was part of a panel and thus couldn’t decide on my relative’s final grade by himself. And the other members of the panel helped her when it came to the grading process. 😌

My relative walked out with her head held high and with the high grade she deserved. (Hooray!)

But even if my relative had only gotten an average grade because of her courage, she still would be a great role model for me.

Because what I haven’t mentioned so far is that I’m talking about my mother. And having her stand up to someone in such a tough situation makes me incredibly proud of her!

And my client Mindy? She decided that she wanted to start a family at this point. While nobody knows what the future brings, she now feels confident that having a child won’t forever preclude her from building her business.

Also, since she became pregnant, Mindy actually enjoys her day job more than before.

If you want to seemingly irreconcilable things, you may still get both of them, just like my mother did and Mindy might.

However, I believe the first step is to get clear on your priorities.

To do that you must answer a hard question.

It’s like the iconic scene in the science-fiction movie “The Matrix,” where the rebel leader Morpheus offers the protagonist Neo the choice between taking the blue pill (continuing in the comfortable, simulated reality he lives in) and the red pill (facing the harsh truth of reality).

So, let me play Morpheus for a second and show you a quick exercise that can help you gain some clarity about the hierarchy of your goals.

Imagine there are 2 doors in front of you.

Here are the rules:

• If you choose to walk through the first door, you will have the family you want but you’ll never become successful in your career.
• In contrast, if you decide to take the second door, you will have an amazing career with incredible contributions, but you’ll never have a family.
• If you refuse to choose, you will stay where you’re at and meet neither of your goals.

Now, let’s begin.

Step 1:
Imagine walking through the first door. How does it make you feel to have the family you wan,t but know you’ll never become successful in your career.

Example: “Hmm, I feel really sad even considering that I might not make the contribution I want to make in my work. I care so much about my business idea. I like having a family but I’m not sure if it makes up for all that I’m losing out on.”

Step 2:
Now imagine walking through the second door. How does it make you feel to have an amazing career with incredible contributions, but know you’ll never have a family?

Example: “Phew. Ouch. I really, really don’t like this. My work is great and yet, I really feel something is missing in my life.”

Step 3:
If you absolutely had to choose, which door would you pick right now? Remember, if you don’t pick a door, you’ll miss out on both goals.

Example: “I guess if I really had to choose right now, I’d pick the first door. I think I want a family but I’m not ready to put my work second at this point. Maybe I should do this exercise again in a year, see if having a family feels more important to me then?

Are you willing to embrace that that’s your more important goal in this situation?

Whether you find yourself participating in the modern-day equivalent of gladiator games, or need to make a choice between family and career, life priorities are your trustworthy friend.

When you’re in a dilemma where you want seemingly irreconcilable things, you need to get clear on which one matters most to you. You also need to be willing to risk you more important goal for the less important one.

Once you have chosen a door to walk through, you might find that your goals are not as irreconcilable as they seemed from the other side. (You also might find that other people are very proud of you for making a tough choice.)

And, if your goals are actually irreconcilable, you can rest calmly in the knowledge that you went for what mattered most to you.